Tag Archives: Things

When you buy a minivan.

August 21, 2014

Yesterday, exactly one year after I wrote Top Ten Reasons To Drive A Crappy Car, Austin and I took a little road trip to New York to pick up our heaviest eBay purchase to date. It took around ten hours. Four hours there, four hours back, with various stops for things like fuel and Corn Nuts. The most embarrassing thing was that we accidentally wore matching outfits. The second most embarrassing thing was that we bought a minivan.

My plan when we picked up the van was to take a picture of me lying dramatically on the hood, giving my saddest “I’ve been dethroned from coolness” face while Austin flashed a thumbs up over his dream car. But after driving it for .08 seconds, I realized my shame was vain and THERE ARE TWELVE CUPHOLDERS.

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I have never driven a car made past 1999. Did you guys know they put something on the steering wheel so you can magically change the radio and adjust the volume like Merlin the Wizard? I can also open doors and lock/unlock the car with an adorable button the size of an Oreo. I really love that Oreo button. Additionally, there is cruise control and air conditioning that works, so I don’t know why I was being such an asshat.

My lifelong hesitancy over driving a minivan is not original. It is the same boring reason we all have over avoiding being that mom. The mom cruising with her windows down, singing all the wrong words to a Coldplay song while a 23 year old passerbyer named “Dylan” or “Brody” or “Tyler” sadly shakes his head.

No one wants to be uncool.

The thing about being cool when you’re 29 is that we’re not in High School anymore so I don’t actually care about what Brodes thinks of my swagger wagon and side braid. That said, there is still pride to be relinquished and eye-rolling to cease and the idea that I look like such a stupid idiot to put to rest. Time. It takes time. And the charming realizations of trunk space and a moonroof.

RIP rusty Subaru. I will miss your cramped leg room, cowgirl aura, and hipster appeal. I will not miss your one, faulty cupholder.

Drive on, mamas.

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Ten Books For Toddlers

March 20, 2014

Ten Books For Toddlers

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I know what you’re thinking, the Internet doesn’t need another list of books! I hear you. I also hear you saying you’re sick of kids books with no plot, the worst rhyme scheme known to man, or jumbles of words that make your mouth hurt. I’m looking at you, Fox In Socks.

My kid likes to read. I like to read. It is all lovely and nice. But at the risk of sounding like a jerk, I’m really very tired of reading The Little Engine That Could and The Cat In The Hat. Every few weeks I hide those books under a pile of laundry to give my mouth and brain a break. It is our little secret.

This is not a revolutionary list or a Top Ten list or a list that will make your toddler into baby Einstein. It’s just a list of ten books that aren’t annoying to read out loud.

May your children’s bedtimes be filled with the holiest of sounds–silence.

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|1|

We're Going On A Bear Hunt

We’re Going On A Bear Hunt

Plot Summary: Dad takes kids on a neglectful hike. Almost eaten by bear.

Parent Perk: Dad is wearing skinny jeans.

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|2|

Sheep Out To Eat

Sheep Out To Eat

Plot Summary: Sassy sheep shouldn’t eat in cat restaurants.

Parent Perk: Funny, short.

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|3|

I just Forgot

I Just Forgot

Plot Summary: Anthropomorphic toddler annoys mother.

Parent Perk: Funny. Nostalgic.

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|4|

the very hungry caterpillar

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Plot Summary: Caterpillar goes on food binge then falls asleep.

Parent Perk: Short. Nostalgic.

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|5|

open your eyes

Open Your Eyes

Plot Summary: Brothers are bored and say obvious things to pass time.

Parent Perk: Vintage. Pinteresty.

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|6|

lemons are not red

Lemons Are Not Red

Plot Summary: Author tries to trick children into thinking lemons are red.

Parent Perk: Short. Pleasing to eyeballs.

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|7|

How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight

How Do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?

Plot Summary: Toddlers act like dinosaurs at bedtime.

Parent Perk: Funny. Accurate.

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|8|

Marcel The Shell

Marcel The Shell With Shoes On

Plot Summary: Tiny creature with shell head lives small life.

Parent Perk: Funny, weird.

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|9|

Dragons Love Tacos

Dragons Love Tacos

Plot Summary: Dragons love tacos but get bad breath.

Parent Perk: Makes you remember tacos.

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|10|

color book mr. paint pig

Richard Scarry’s Color Book

Plot Summary: Clumsy pig is the worst painter, spills everything.

Parent Perk: Vintage. Short. Nostalgia.

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What are your favorite toddler books?