Tag Archives: Things

The Social Media Mom (But Seriously, What Sippy Cup?)

November 25, 2014

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When you have spawn, especially young spawn, there are so many boring questions to answer. Like, are these pajamas warm enough? Should we try feeding her sweet potatoes again? Does my toddler think Daniel Tiger’s mom is nicer than me?

The problem is that even when the questions are boring and we know it doesn’t really matter–it’s easy to obsess over the answer. Analyze it from all angles. Turn sexy pillow talk into a 45 minute discussion on cold medicine.

And then every once in a while, desperation strikes and we turn into social media momsters.

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It is so embarrassing.

Last month I spent innumerable hours of my precious time thinking about the do’s and don’ts of pacifiers. Should I let her have them out of her bed? What about the car? Am I giving her a tooth gap? WILL SHE STILL NEED A PACIFIER IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I could have been watching The Mindy Project.

As far as sippy cups go, I am sadly serious.

We skipped sippy cups with Waylon. He went straight from the breast to regular cups and water bottles and we never looked back. It was glorious.

This time around, we have a bottle fed baby who apparently needs a transition. Of course we’d love to bottle feed her like a baby lamb until forever, but I’m trying to be realistic.

So far we have these guys and this one too. I know nothing. Any to recommend?

Are you ever that social media mom?

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When you buy a minivan.

August 21, 2014

Yesterday, exactly one year after I wrote Top Ten Reasons To Drive A Crappy Car, Austin and I took a little road trip to New York to pick up our heaviest eBay purchase to date. It took around ten hours. Four hours there, four hours back, with various stops for things like fuel and Corn Nuts. The most embarrassing thing was that we accidentally wore matching outfits. The second most embarrassing thing was that we bought a minivan.

My plan when we picked up the van was to take a picture of me lying dramatically on the hood, giving my saddest “I’ve been dethroned from coolness” face while Austin flashed a thumbs up over his dream car. But after driving it for .08 seconds, I realized my shame was vain and THERE ARE TWELVE CUPHOLDERS.

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I have never driven a car made past 1999. Did you guys know they put something on the steering wheel so you can magically change the radio and adjust the volume like Merlin the Wizard? I can also open doors and lock/unlock the car with an adorable button the size of an Oreo. I really love that Oreo button. Additionally, there is cruise control and air conditioning that works, so I don’t know why I was being such an asshat.

My lifelong hesitancy over driving a minivan is not original. It is the same boring reason we all have over avoiding being that mom. The mom cruising with her windows down, singing all the wrong words to a Coldplay song while a 23 year old passerbyer named “Dylan” or “Brody” or “Tyler” sadly shakes his head.

No one wants to be uncool.

The thing about being cool when you’re 29 is that we’re not in High School anymore so I don’t actually care about what Brodes thinks of my swagger wagon and side braid. That said, there is still pride to be relinquished and eye-rolling to cease and the idea that I look like such a stupid idiot to put to rest. Time. It takes time. And the charming realizations of trunk space and a moonroof.

RIP rusty Subaru. I will miss your cramped leg room, cowgirl aura, and hipster appeal. I will not miss your one, faulty cupholder.

Drive on, mamas.

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